


How a Giant Squid Ruined Darcy's Life

by vindiya



Series: Trope Bingo Round 12 [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Natasha Romanov Knows All, No Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Tentacle Porn, There is no actual smut here, This is crack, Trope Bingo Round 12, Why Did I Write This?, bonus material of everyone texting in the last chapter, i spent way more time making the texts look pretty than I should have, i'm probably going to hell for using Chthulu like this, i'm sorry for the hope, only vaguely canon compliant, text misfires, thank you Darcyland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-28 07:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18751918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vindiya/pseuds/vindiya
Summary: A giant squid attacks New York, the Avengers naturally go to meet it. They get their asses kicked and in the post-squid battle regrouping strategy session stumble upon someone's aptly named porn stash.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is so completely crack that nothing good can come of it. I intended to write this as either Shieldshock or Wintershock. I couldn't decide and in conversing with the lovely individuals on the Darcyland Discord determined a group text with both would be entertaining. In a way, this could be read as friendship fic, either Shield or Wintershock and the other just happens to be part of the conversation or as Wintershieldshock. Read it as you like I am not going to judge a soul because well I wrote this mess of insanity.
> 
> The opinions voiced in this fic about tentacle porn are not my own. Nor am I kinkshaming anyone that likes tentacle porn. Go on and do your thing and have a blast doing it.
> 
> I would like to thank CodenameCarrot and Lady_Temperanza for their work in writing a workskin guide [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/chapters/14729722) that saved me from driving myself crazy. Without their work and the work of the contributers mentioned within the guide most of the formatting in this fic would not be possible. I spent way too much time trying to adapt code by Tessisamess on InsaneJournal and failing miserably to prove it.
> 
> And finally, I'd like to thank EmSonderling and peachgalaxy for their help in the Darcyland writers room when I first started contemplating this fic. And the Chthulu bit would not exist without their efforts. Thank you so much you two. I hope it lives up to the chat hype.

Darcy doesn’t know what she’s doing here. She knows why Jane is present for the strategy meeting after the Avengers literally got their asses handed to them. Well sort of knows why. She’s still trying to figure out what does space and portals have to do with the ocean and giant squids of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea proportions have to do with each other. Not that it stops Darcy from occupying one of the very plush conference room chairs and spinning around in it as she, Jane, and Helen Cho wait for the Avengers to come in.

Clint and Natasha are first, though Nat has her arm slung across Clint’s shoulders and her hair is wet as they take seats near the head of the conference table. Then there’s Bruce, he looks uncomfortable as he grabs a seat near the back of the room. Or as close as he can get because Darcy has her sweater and bag taking up two seats to save them for two of her favorite people and Jane is on her other side with her feet perched on yet another chair for Thor.

“He has sand in places none of us want to think about,” Bucky whispers into her ear as he drapes her sweater over the back of her chair and plops down next to her.

He smells a little like the ocean, seaweed, and salty breezes and his hair is dripping water down his neck and the black of his jacket has darker patches from his hair. But otherwise, he looks unharmed his mouth a warm curve as he nudges her foot under the table when she snorts too loud and draws Bruce’s attention to them.

“I didn’t need to know that,” she whispers back leaning over the arms of their chairs so only he hears.

“You didn’t need to know what?” Steve asks settling in the chair on Bucky’s other side his gray Henley clinging to his shoulders and forearms like he didn’t quite finish drying off before putting a new shirt on.

“Nothing,” she murmurs with a shake of her head.

Somewhere in the short exchange Sam entered and took a seat by Clint. He looks less uncomfortable than most. And like Clint, he’s probably the only other person that doesn’t have water dripping from his hair. Rhodey rubs his chest as he enters grabbing the seat across the table from Natasha but dry with his shirt sleeves pushed up to his elbows. And finally, Tony Stark himself enters and grabs the last vacant chair at the head of the table with a flourish.

Darcy scans the collected eggheads and superheroes. Most of the superheroes look like Thor just summoned a hell of a thunderstorm and soaked the team instead of coming back from driving a giant squid back into the ocean. It was almost funny until Tony stood apparently ready to start second round planning.

“Oh good we’re all here,” he starts and Sam shifts in his seat.

“I think my favorite part was when it slapped half of you into the water with a single swipe,” Darcy quips spinning her chair to a bark of laughter from Bucky as he drags his fingers through his wet hair and a glance out of the corner of her eye at Steve shows his mouth twitching. At least someone enjoys her sense of humor.

“Quiet peanut gallery,” Tony shoots back and turning his attention to the screen that is beginning its descent behind him, “JARVIS pull up the tentacle porn.”

The room is so quiet Darcy swears a pin could drop two doors down and everyone would hear it, not just the two super soldiers sitting next to her. And she tries extremely hard not to shift in her seat. It’s Tony so the word choice is probably just a coincidence, but it was so very pointed.

The room shifts focus to the screen. Everyone expecting a giant squid knocking waves into docked ships and destroying docks and batting at Rhodey, Tony, and Sam with its tentacles. Only that isn’t what fills the screen. Instead, there’s an animated curvy brunette with large breasts filling the screen riding at least one tentacle, mouth hanging open as her moans fill the room.

“JARVIS shut that off,” Tony shouts and Darcy shifts in her seat trying to make it look like she’s just adjusting how she’s sitting as the moans cut off abruptly. “The other tentacle porn if you will.”

The next video is more of the same only it’s three women bound by tentacles with tentacles pumping in their mouths as well as their pussys. The choked moans echo through the conference room and someone coughs as another chair squeaks. Darcy refuses to look at anyone as she types out a quick message to Jane under the table.

Iceman, Spangles  
  
I thought our private files were stored separately from Initiative files.

The second video is cut off just as quickly and Tony says something else and Darcy is just trying to keep her face from turning a guilty bright red. Her phone buzzes in her hand and she flicks her attention to Jane who is completely ignoring her. Which is strange because she should be giving her one hell of a look based on what keeps popping up on the screen and her text message but she’s blushing and staring raptly at the snippets of video.

Maybe Jane is a lot more sneaky than she originally gave the woman credit for as she checks her messages.

Iceman, Spangles  
  
Iceman  
Those are yours?  
Spangles  
Why do you have tentacle porn?

Oh for the love god why. She hates her phone, her fingers, everything at this moment. And she can’t even bash her head against the table to put herself out of her misery.

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Shit  
That was supposed to go to Jane  
Iceman  
Breathe doll.  
Spangles  
Don't headdesk.  
🤦  
Kill me.  
Iceman  
Not a chance Darce.  
Spangles  
Never.  
I hate you both.  
Spangles  
You can do that later.  
Answer the question  


“JARVIS just load the footage from our initial encounter with the squid.” Tony demands in exasperation as he whirls on the rest of the room and stares each of them down in turn.

Helen looks away in embarrassment that Darcy's positive has nothing to do with guilt. Jane just raises an eyebrow. Natasha, Rhodey, Sam, and Clint all meet his gaze with cool disinterest. She can’t read Steve or Bucky’s expressions, but she tries to keep her expression bland when his eyes land on her even though the guilt is bubbling in her stomach.

Tony narrows his eyes at the room before turning his attention back to the giant squid batting the airborne Avengers out of the air on the screen.

Darcy’s fingers fly over the keys.

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Did you just try to use the Captain voice through text?  
Spangles  
Maybe.  
Iceman  
He did.

She glances at the others around them, she can feel heat crawling up her cheeks and the last thing she needs is Tony commenting about the three of them playing digital grab ass in the middle of a very important meeting.

Spangles, Iceman  
  
I can’t decide if that was hot or not.  
I’ll figure that out later.  
Why do you know what tentacle porn is Steve?  
Spangles  
Tentacles. Naked women. Sex.  
Iceman  
Try not to blush punk.  
Nat’s just down the table.

As one the three of them glance down the end of the table but the redhead is at least making a good show of paying attention.

“We need to corner it,” Clint starts.

“It’s the ocean, Clint. Corner it where?”

“At least sedate it so we can capture and move it back out to deeper waters?”

 

Eyes turn to Helen Cho and Darcy goes back to her phone which has vibrated three times over that exchange.

 

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Spangles  
She won’t say anything.  
Why do people watch it?  
Iceman  
Stevie why did you ask that?

 

The three little dots that one of them is type fills the bottom of her screen.

 

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Spangles  
Just curious is all.  
Someone save me.  
You're really going to make me explain this?  
Spangles  
Yep.

 

She shoots Steve a none too subtle glare and tries to take a very quiet breath for strength. Darcy steels herself for the pain her thumbs are going to feel when this is over.

 

Spangles, Iceman  
  
You going to help Barnes?  
Iceman  
What makes you think I know anything?  
Don't think I can't see your eyes twinkling.  
Iceman  
This is all on you doll. Can't be any worse than how I found out.  
Jerk.  
Spangles  
You're stalling Darce.  


 

 _This is going to suck._ She thinks tugging her lower lip between her teeth.

 

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Fine.  
But I want it noted that explaining kink in the 21st century was NOT my idea.  
Spangles  
Noted.  
So you know the basics. Missionary, doggystyle, etc.  


The snort from Bucky earns them a look from Jane.

“Something funny Frosty?” Tony asks.

“No sorry, you were saying.”

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Spangles  
Smooth Buck.  
Then you have like the gateway kinks: handcuffs, biting, praise kink, spanking.  
Iceman  
Uh doll one of those things is not like the others.  
Can it Winter.  
So you have the sort of vanilla light-hearted side of kink and then there’s people who get their rocks off to getting fucked by tentacles.  
Spangles  
Do you get off to those videos?  
That is so not a question for a strategy meeting.  
Iceman  
So yes.  
Do you want me to explain the appeal of tentacle porn to people or not?  
Iceman  
Someone's defensive.  
Someone’s only going to know the pleasure of his own hand if he doesn’t stop interrupting me.  
Iceman  
Good thing Stevie won't leave me hanging.  
Spangles  
I might. I want to hear the explanation.  


Darcy swears she’s going to die before this meeting ends. The heat rising in her cheeks is definitely not just rising now, it’s full on burning, she is flushed in the middle of a meeting and everyone can see. _Please let no one notice_ , she begs of whatever higher power there is.

She’s about to start typing back a further detailed explanation of tentacle porn to satisfy Steve’s curiosity when her phone stops responding. The screen goes dark and then much to her horror a video starts playing. By the grunt and bit back laugh to her right it happened to both Steve and Bucky’s phones as well.

Never before in her life has she seen a more horrifying video than a man in a suit meant to represent Chthulu though it was so low-budget that the tentacles were made of cut up pool noodles. She can’t watch the grainy footage of what she thinks is someone's dad trying to make a terrifying sex tape with his wife and furiously punches the back button with her thumb.

When she finally gets the video to go away the screen remains black as white text scrolls by.

_We know it was your porn. And please stop texting it’s very rude._

She glances first at Steve and Bucky to see if they got the same message. Both are looking anywhere but her. Steve’s leaning forward with his elbows on the table a picture of focused attention for the task at hand. Bucky, on the other hand, is leaning back grinning at the ceiling like he just won a prize.

One last text before she slouches so deep in her chair no one will be able to see her face.

Spangles, Iceman  
  
Both of you are on your own tonight.  


 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little fun bit of this was happening at the same time but has no plot relevance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for fun what everyone else was texting each other while participating in the meeting as intended.

Avengers Assemble  
  
Jane Foster  
Do you think they know they're obvious?  
Tony Stark  
They probably think they're getting away with it.  
Natasha Romanov  
I like how you did the mislead about the porn.  
Tony Stark  
I am nothing if not classy.  
Clint Barton  
I think what you meant to say there was that you are nothing if not flashy.  
Bruce Banner  
Was that really necessary.  
I think Dr. Cho's about to have a fit.  
James Rhodes  
Does it botther anyone else that we rifled through private files for this?  
Natasha Romanov  
Relax Rhodey, you're in the clear on this one.  
Sam Wilson  
Because you did the rifling last time you were over for drinks and cupcakes.  
Natasha Romanov  
I'm a master multitasker.  
Jane Foster  
Is Darcy blushing?  
Clint Batron  
I'd say we've got the start of one.  
For the record my part in this was only to watch.  
Sam Wilson  
Okay?  
Clint Barton  
You haven't realized yet that once Darcy finds out what happened we're all on a strict no baked good diet?  
Jane Foster  
She'll lift the ban if you apologize.  
How else would I get the lockout on my lab lifted?  
Tony Stark  
So you don't promise non-porn hours?  
Crap I think I owe Sam money now.  
Sam Wilson  
You can pay me later Tony  
James Rhodes  
Classy. Both of you.  
Bruce Banner  
Can we focus on dealing with the squid?  
I don't know about the rest of you but I'm not liking the idea of going for another unnecessary swim.  
Clint Barton  
I don't think I've ever seen Darcy turn so red before.  
Natasha Romanov  
Tony you ready?  
Tony Stark  
Am I ready she asks?  
Of course I'm ready  
James Rhodes  
Yeah yeah you're a badass.  
Just put them out of their misery already.  
Tony Stark  
Patience colonel. All good things come to those who wait.  
Jane Foster  
Maybe we could hurry it along. Darcy looks like she's about blow a gasket.  
Clint Barton  
Can confirm from here. Anyone else?  
Sam Wilson  
Confirmed  
Bruce Banner  
I can't believe I'm doing this. Confirmed.  
Natasha Romanov  
Now Tony.  
Tony Stark  
With pleasure.  



End file.
